Dear Editor,
I have two brothers, one works at Microsoft, the other was sentenced to death
in the gas chamber.
My mother died of insanity when I was three years old, my two sisters are
prostitutes and my father sells drugs.
Recently, I met a girl who was released from a reformatory where she served
time for smothering her illegitimate child to death.
I love this girl very much and want to marry her.
My problem is this:
Shall I tell her about my brother who works at Microsoft?
Sincerely,
Larry
Oprah Winfrey virus:
Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB and then slowly expands back to
200MB.
AT&T; virus:
Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
MCI virus:
Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T;
virus.
Politically Correct virus:
Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic
microorganism."
Arnold Schwarzenegger virus:
Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
Government Economist virus:
Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
New World Order virus:
Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about
it.
Federal Bureaucrat virus:
Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does
practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of
your computer.
Texas virus:
Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
Adam and Eve virus:
Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
Congressional virus:
The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on
each half blaming the other side for the problem.
Airline virus:
You're in Dallas but your data is in Singapore.
Freudian virus:
Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying to its own motherboard.
Public Television virus:
Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.
Elvis virus:
Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs only to resurface
at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
Nike virus:
Just does it.
Congressional virus #2:
Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the
user to accomplish anything.
Star Trek virus:
Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
Health Care virus:
Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for
$4,500.
A ragged individual stranded for several months on a small desert island in
the middle of the Pacific Ocean one day noticed a bottle lying in the sand
with a piece of paper in it.
Rushing to the bottle, he pulled out the cork and with shaking hands withdrew
the message.
"Due to lack of maintenance," he read, "we regretfully have found it necessary
to cancel your e-mail account."
A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike
their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or
feminine.
"House," in French, is feminine-"la mansion."
"Pencil," in French, is masculine - "le crayon."
One puzzled student asked, "...What gender is computer?..."
The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary.
So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by
gender, and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or
feminine noun.
Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine
gender ("la computer"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible
later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half
your pay check on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le
computer"), because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but they are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems but half the time they ARE the
problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little
longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.
As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female (e.g.,
"Steady as she goes" or "She's listing to starboard, Captain!")
Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males) announced that computers
should also be referred to as being female.
Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follow:
Five reasons to believe computers are female:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you
don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later
retrieval.
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half
your paycheck on accessories for it.
However, another group of computer scientists, (all female) think that
computers should be referred to as if they were male. Their reasons follow:
Five reasons to believe computers are male:
1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE
the problem.
3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little
longer, you could have obtained a better model.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.
Microsoft (Nasdaq: MSFT) announced that it is selling advertising space in the
error messages that appear in Windows.
Acknowledging for the first time that the average user of their operating
system encounters error messages at least several times a day, Microsoft is
trying to take financial advantage of the unavoidable opportunity to make an
ad impression.
"We estimate that throughout the world at any given moment several million
people are getting a 'General Protection Fault' or 'Illegal Operation'
warning.
We will be able to generate significant revenue by including a short
advertising message along with it," said Microsoft marketing director Nathan
Mirror.
He also mentioned that Microsoft is intended to add banner ads into its Blue
Screen of Death in the near future.
The Justice Department immediately indicated that they intend to investigate
whether Microsoft is gaining an unfair advantage in reaching the public with
this advertising by virtue of its semi-monopolistic control over error
messages.
One day Bill Gates died and went to heaven.
When he got there he met God.
God said "Where do you want to go Heaven or Hell?"
Bill Gates said, "Can I have a look at them first?"
So God showed him Heaven and there were all people in white drinking wine a
playing harps and all the walls were white.
Next God took him to Hell. Bill Gates saw a beautiful beach with gorgeous
women in colorful bikinis, all the iced beer a person could drink and everyone
was splashing in the water and having fun.
Bill Gates choose Hell.
A few weeks later God went to visit Bill in Hell where he was to tied to a
rock and the devils were surronding him and he screamed to God: "When you let
me look at Hell, it was full of gorgeous women, iced beer and fun. What
happened??!!?"
God replied, "Oh that? It was only a demo"
Shocking revolution:
The most widely used languages in Bangalore is
Not Kannada,
Neither english nor telugu,
Not even hindi!
Its
C, C++ and java!!!!
Wikipedia: I know everything
Google : i have everything
Facebook : i know everybody
Internet : without me u r nothing
.
.
Electricity : awaaaz niche.
? Mobile Aya
? Camera Khatam
? Mobile Aya
? Wrist Watch Khatam
? Mobile Aya
?? Torch Khatam
? Mobile Aya
? Radio Khatam
? Mobile Aya
? MP3 Khatam
? Mobile Aya
? Letters Khatam
? Mobile Aya
?? Calculator Khatam
?Mobile Aya
? Computer Khatam
? Mobile Aya
? Sakoon Khatam
Aur agar apka
?Mobile" ?
ap ki
"Girlfriend" ke haath aya toh
Maa Kasam
aap "Khatam." ??
.....?
@ ??
( ? )
\ ?? /
???c?
??
/ \
????
Ek dum latest ...?
Badalti Duniya Ka aisa Asar Hone Laga,
Aadmi pagal?Aur Phone Smart Hone Laga !
???
Do u know...???
Khaana saamne rakh kar bhi na khane
wali,
Aur neend aate huye bhi na
sone dene wali beemari kaun si
hai..?
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Yehi !!
Jo haath mein pakdi hui hai...
"Happy winters" to -
married peoples
.
.
.
.
.
and for singles "- keep Using
Facebook
inside your blanket on your
smartphones"
Dil agar CPU hota to aapki sabhi yadon ko SAVE Kar sakte,
Dimag mein agar PRINTER hota to khayallo ka PRINT OUT nikal lete,
Dhadkan mein agar PEN DRIVE hoti to zindagi ka BACKUP lete,
Mann mein jo BLUETOOTH hota to baton ko TRANSFER kar lete,
Ankhon mein jo WEBCAM hota to tasvir ko RECEIVE kar lete,
Kash Zindagi bhi ek COMPUTER hoti to use bhi RESTART ker lete,
Kaaash aisa hota?
Shortcut Proposal
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.
Boy : Kya main Apka Address Jaan Sakta Hun.
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Girl : Wo Kyu?
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Boy : wo Baraat Le k Aani Thi.
So much pain and agony in this World. Crimes,
Corruption, Kidnaps, MH370, Modi, Rahul, Kejri
etc.
And just when you think world has suffered
enough,
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Himesh Reshammiya releases his Movie.
Bekaar Hai Wo Log Jo Apne
Lover Ko Miss Krte Hai, Are
Miss Karna Hai To Macharo
Ko Karo, Jo Apne Jaan Par
Khel Kar Tmhe Kiss Krte Hai.
Hum Roz Msg Kyu Bhejte Hain.?
For Maasti .. No
For Timepass .. No..
Hum Msg Bhejte Hain,
Taaki Aapki Reading Capacity
Strong Ho.. Padhega India
Tabhi To Badhega India..
Mahesh Bhaat: Vote Dene Chale..
Alia Bhaat: Papa Aap Miss Call Karke Bhi VoteDe Sakthe Hai, Maine Kal DID MeDekha Tha..!!
Khud Ko Kr Kanjus itna
K Hr SmS BhejneSe Pehle
Service Center Wale Call Kr K Khud Puche
Sir G,
r u sure
Bhejna hai
Ki Sending Fail kariye.
Ek gullu Airport mein gaya....
....
Airport ke aadmi ne pucha - Aap ka Passport dikhaiye plz...
Gullu ne bola - Pahle Aap aap ka airport dikhaiye
AirPort ki aadmi - (airport dikhakar) yea ha mera airport
gullu - to yea ha mera passport
aadmi - ye kya passport ke photo ke sath aap ka sakal match nahi ho raha ha
yea to dusre ka passport ha
gullu - to airport kya tere baap ki hai...
Hanumanji: Bhole Nath Ab Mai Dharti
Par Nahi Reh Sakta..
Bhole Nath: Kyu..?
Hanumanji: Pehle Log Let Ke Matha
Tekte Thay,
Fir Ghutne Tekne Lage, Fir Log Dur
Se Hi Sar Ko Jhuka Chale Jate Thay..
Mai Firbi Khush Tha Lekin Ab To
Ghor Kalyug Aa Gaya Hai Prabhu..
Aaj Mandir Me 1 Bacchi Aayi Aur
Haath Hila Ke Boli..
Hi Hanu, Whats Up..?
Aise Muh Kyu Fula Rakha Hai..
Just Chill Baby.....!
Ek Ladki dupatta muh pe Lapete
hue scooty pe jaa rahi thi,
.
Samne se ek aadmi bike se aate
hue bola: Aye CHAMIYA Zara duptta
hatake chehra to dikha,
.
.
Ladki:
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PAPA mai hu Aapki Guddi
Why Does Gandhi Smile On Every Rupee Note? ? ? ?
But
Not Lincon In Dollar???
Coz American Ladies Don't put money inside d Blouse:-)
Mind blowing shayari:
Tere pyar ke saaye ne mujhe aisa pyasa banaya,
Tere pyar ke saaye ne mujhe aisa pyasa banaya,
u 2 min ruk.. mei pani pi ke aaya?
Rahul: Mere Paas Paisa Hai, Bank
Balance Hai Aur Maa (Soniya) Hai
Tumhare Paas Kya Hai..?
.
.
Modi: Mere Paas, Mere Paas
Mere Paas Rajnikant Hai Pappu..!
"Papa Ji,shadi Me Kul Mila Kar Kitna Kharch Hota Hai ?"."Pata Nahi Bete.......Me To Abhi Tak Chuka Raha Hu !!":D:D
snta to bnta
tu doctor k paas nai gaya teri tabiyat kharaab thi
bnta to snta
ha wo kal jaauga aaj tabiyat tjick nai hai
Khood ko kar kanjoos itna ki ....
har sms bhejhne se pahale ....
Service center wale khud call kar ke puche...
Beta sach mai is sms ko aage bhejna hai ya
Galti se sent ho Sent ho gaya!
15 years back :-
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.
maa bap chahte the ke unki Ladki
ki shadi "acche ladke" se ho:p
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or abb :D
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.
maa bap chahte he ki unke BETE ki
shadi "acchi ladki " se ho :p;)
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( Ladkiyo , kya tarakki ki he tumne waah......!! )
"kitni shiddat se maine book uthane ki koshish ki hai...
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ki har panne ne mujhe sulane ki sajish ki hai..
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kehte hai agar kisi chapter ko dil se samajhna chaho..
to puri kaaynat hame usme confuse karne me jut jati hai...
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.
par padhna padta hai...
qki..
"CHAPTER ABHI BAKI HE MERE DOST"...
Hindi Names Of Hollywood Movies:
.
Taken : Le Li..
Taken 2 : Uski bhi Le Li..
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The Dark Knight :Kala Kaluta Shoorveer..
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Wrong Turn : Galat Mod Le Liya Be.
Wrong Turn 2 : Saala Phir Se Galat Mod Liya.
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Terminator : Bhasmasur.
.
Welcome To The Jungle :Anil Kapoor Ki Chhaati Me Aap Ka Swagat Hai .
.
The Mummy Returns :Mataji Vaapas Aa Rahi Hain.
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SAW: Dekha
SAW 2: Phir Se Dekha
SAW 3: Ek Baar Phir Se Dekha
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Inception : Khwab Mein Khwab, Dimaag Ka Dahi Janaab!!!
.
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Titanic : Nauka Dela Dhoka.
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Babys day out :ghara ke bahar launda
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Mission Impossible :Eie Na Ho Paai.
Mission Impossible 2 :Abe Eie Na Ho Paai
Mission Impossible 3 :Abe Hum Pehle Hi Kahe Rahe Ki Eie Na Ho Paai :p :D
Jab bhi tumhari yaad aati hai,
to man karta hai.. har patthar par likhu 'I MISS YOU'..
Aur wo sare patthar tumhe maaru, taaki tumhe pata chale ki yaad me kitna dard hota hai... ;)
TIGER D
Most STUPID questions people usually ask
in obvious situation..
1. At movies:" hey! What r u doing here.. ??
Me:" tujhe nahi pata yaar.. ?? Mai yaha
ticket black karne aata hu..
2. In bus:" A fat lady steps onmy feet:
"arey!! beta lagi to nahi..
Me:" Nai aunty bahot maja aaya ek baar fir
se karo na..
3. When i got woken up at midnight by a
call:" sorry yaar!
So raha tha kya.. ??
Me:" Nai yaar! Mai to Bas late kar marne ki
practise kar raha tha..
4. when they see me with shorter hair:
"yaar! Baal katwaye hai kya.. ??
Me:" Pata Nahi Yaar!! raat ko soya tha
subah uth kar dekha
to andar chale gaye!!
.
5. When some 1 call me on myland line n
asks "where r u.. ??
Me:" yaar mai market mai hu, phone b gale
me latka kar le aaya hu..
Dear GIRLS
.
.
Aap logo ke Mob No.. pr agar koi Faltu
ki
calls ya miss call kar k pareshan kar
raha ho .
.
.
To uska mob no.. Olx me daal kar post
kar do ki -- i phone 5s
Only 1000 rs.. Mai
.
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Kasam se jitne Calls aapko nai kiya
hoga Usse jyada
use Aayenge
.
.
.
NOTE:- Ab Thanks bol ke rulana mat
Bas ek "SMILE" Krdo kaafi hai..
B+
Santa on phone:
Doctor my wife is pergnant.She is having pain right
now.
Doctor: Is this her first child?
Santa: No this is her husband speaking…
Teacher: Pappu batao, yeh sign (%) tumne kaha dekha……. Awsme answer by Pappu:Teacher ji, jab car me ladkiya sit belt pehnti hain Tab
An egg fell down from a 20 ft table ... but did not break .. !
Do you know the reason ..
Guess .... ....
ha ..ha .. it was "Lucky"..
Physics PJ:
Why does a dumb cat fall while walking....
Coz the cat is dumb so it cant Mew. So Mew(coefficient of friction) is = 0.
SO it falls! HaHa!
Yesterday in my room all my books were singing a song.
Guess which song..
guess!
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O Zara zara Touch Me Touch Me Touch Me..
How can you lift an elephant with one hand..
Ans:
YOU dont find elephants with one hand haha sorry!
Really Bad PJ:
Q: Why do people who have so much pressure drink so much..
.
.
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A: Well, people drink at a bar.. And bar is the unit of pressure
[Head Crack Pj] Sam: Mai paida Mumbai me hua, Par padhai Chennai se ki hai . Tom: Phir to rooj aane-jane me bahut der lagti hogi na?
1 Ladki se 1 Ladke ne dil manga
To ladki ne kaha kal dungi
Next day ladki apne sath bachha Lekr ayi or ladke ko de diya kyu?
Dil to bachha he ji.
About c.i.d
Rin lagaya or daag gaya
Wah Wah
Rin lagaya or daag gaya
Abhijeet: Daya lagta hai,
Khooni bhaag gaya.
Zindagi Ne Kiye Hain Bahut
Se Sitam
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Teri Kasam
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Shayari Khatam
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Dekho Dus Ka Dum
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Paayal Baje Cham Cham
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Mobile Mein Balance Kam
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Raat Ko Dikhta Hai Kam
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P.J. Kyun Nahi Ho Raha
Khatam
.
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Do You Believe In Pichla
Janam
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Mere Dil Mein Hain Bahut
Saare Gham
.
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Haddi Mazboot Karta Hai
Calcium
.
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Shakespeare Ka Pehla
Naam Tha William
.
.
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Daanth Kharab Karta Hai
Chewing Gum
.
.
.
Exam Mein Marks Aate Hain
Minimum
.
.
.
Hum Khe
.
.
.
Hum Khelte Hain Maximum
.
.
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Explain The Following
Term
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.
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Main Peeta Nahi Whiskey,
Beer Ya Rum
.
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Hum Dil De Chuke Sanam
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Khushi ke baad aata hai gum
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Coffee me pite cheeni kam
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Dukh me peete hai whisky aur rum
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Pak me chalte hai goli our bum.
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China Dikhata hai apna dum.
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Ye kis P.J me phaans gaye hum
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Diga diga dum dum
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lo P.j khatam
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Vande Matram.......
Disco:- Bar mein kyu hai Dhamaal...??
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Disco:- Bar mein kyu hai Dhamaal.....?
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A.C.P bola: Daya , surakshit kaale mere baal , Vasmol ne kiya kamaal...=D =D
Wo Aankh badi hi pyari thi
Jo usne Humko maari thi,
.
.
.
.
Hum to MUFT mai fida ho gaye
DOSTO
Humko kya pata tha ki unko,
Baba ramdev ki bimari thi..
Eek ladki umbrella repiring krane,
Macnic ke pas gayi or macnic se boli,
Umbrella ka kya karna hoga..
Macnic bola uppar ka kapda utarna hoga,
Niche se danda ghusana hoga.
Ladki boli jo kuch karna hai jaldi karo,
Magar pani nahi girna chahiye.